(*Written at the beginning of June)
I am a planner. I have a plan for everything: My day, my business, a vacation, dinner, my horses, time with the kids, etc. (Which has given me three children who simply MUST know the plan at all times – kind-of makes me want to break my planning habit.)
A soon as I got pregnant, (with each of my kids), I planned what their room would be like and what their name would be depending on sex. I start planning what they would wear home, how I would situate the other kiddos to make room for the new baby. I can’t help it – I could never wait to “get past the iffy time” -12 weeks/1st trimester. My mind just started planning all of the baby things! This time I thought there is no way a miscarriage could happen (again) when I had 3 beautiful, healthy angels. (Okay maybe they aren’t always angels – but they are my little whatevers when they’re naughty. I love them good or naughty!)
For the second time in a row, my dreams were shattered today.
As I laid in the doctor’s office and heard, “There is no heartbeat,” I was in shock. “Did she really just say that?” I wondered. She continued, “The baby didn’t grow at all from last time.” On my last visit, the doc was worried the fetus was smaller than she should have been, but I was sure it would be okay. I took it easy, took prenatals and ate really good. I was just sure today would be okay.
Of course I did do my share of fretting the last couple days. I thought I hadn’t felt as sick as I had before. Hubs said I was worrying and it was the busy weekend that had me distracted. I prayed silently that he was right, but fretted anyway. This morning my blood pressure was even higher than my normal when it was taken at the doctor’s office.
I was debating whether or not to share this with you, but I know many other women have gone through this and they are sad, too. My personality is to be strong, keep it together – but today I simply can’t. I am heartbroken this happened to me and my family. We were so excited to have another little one running around. This makes me all the more thankful for the ones I have. But I can help but wonder about my two “what could have beens.” I know it is God’s plan for us…but it is a hard one to swallow today.
Many of my friends have had the same thing happen and they’ve been right there cheering me on, understanding the pain, telling me once again it will get better. I sure hope it does…
And today, I am saying prayers for any of YOU who are waiting for your first trimester to pass…and I pray that you have a healthy baby!
A very sad Wild Woman of the West.
P.S. I ordered this bracelet as it is was a message to me this week: http://lifestyle.margaritavilleretail.com/breathe-in-sentiment-plate-antique-brass-or-silver.html